Friday, April 10th, 2020
Thursday was a rough day, it was emotionally draining I shed a lot of tears and fell into a vat of soggy sadness. My little and I took a drive to my mom's house to drop off some groceries. She lives in the small town I grew up 45 minutes away from where I currently live. It was so hard to stand on the edge of the deck face to face holding myself back from running to her. I am still tearing up about it and my heart still hurts. I wanted to be selfish, and I felt my heart fill with resentment for people who are not self-isolating who are gathering with their families. I wanted to be selfish but I couldn't, I couldn't take the risk and have someone else pay the price. I wasn't raised that way and as hard as it is to be apart it's for the greater good and when this is all over my conscious will be clear because I did my part, I protected others. I know how blessed I am, I have a safe place to isolate, I have my husband and daughter with me. I have access to technology to connect with those that I love and I have so many things to be grateful for.
Thursday swirled into the toilet for me because I didn't give myself space or communicate what I needed and I didn't go to bed when I should have. Sometimes when we are in a place of emotional turmoil we lash out and it isn't until that storm has passed that we see where we could have made a different choice. It's especially hard when those around us are also dealing with their own stresses, worries, and challenges.
Today, I chose to focus my mediation on processing my grief and sadness, I chose to fill my heart with love and gratitude. When I was done I pulled a card from my Gaian Tarot deck, while I was shuffling the cards one caught my attention but I ignored it and ended up with a different card. Once I'd read today's card, I dug through the deck to find the other and it's uncanny how they're related to one and other.
5. The Teacher (Shadow) - Learning & Teaching
The coyote teaching; when you plan to learn one thing and end up learning something else.
Shadow: Someone's brief system is inflexible with no room for questioning or movement... Take a look at how oppressive religious structures, ridge churches doctrine or questionable guru figures may be affecting a situation.
Affirmation: I receive my best spiritual teaching from nature.
This card didn't really ring true for me until I read the card that caught my eye...
Five of Fire: Challenge, Change, Test of Hardship
5s express the energies of challenge and conflict. After the stability of 4s, our world is shaken up by 5s. This is usually an involuntary change, often a traumatic change because it's unexpected. "5 is related to the teacher" Painful lessons lead to spiritual growth.
You may be venting your rage by letting it all out, not caring who might be burned. Rage and anger are masks for what we fear...We can let circumstances harden us into resentment and fear or we can let them soften us, making us kinder. We always have a choice.
Affirmation: I courageously face my fears.
What else can I say? I started this journey with the intention to be open, honest and real. This is what I am going through and I'm sharing it because I know I'm not alone and that my life's purpose is to share my experiences with those of you who read it. I'd love to hear your thoughts drop them in the comments section below or send me an email.