I Fell Flat on My Face
I've been here before opened up so wide, making progress, finally “getting it.” Then I trip and find myself sitting in the darkness of unworthiness asking myself, “why?” Why do am I being called upon? Why am I putting myself out there? Why do I believe I can help others like myself? I do this every time - talk myself up and then take myself out. I stand so fully in my power, my truth then crumbles into doubt.
Doubting my value, in my voice, my offering, my wisdom, my knowledge & personal experiences. Doubting that anyone needs the knowledge I’ve gained by what I’ve been and guidance into what I’m becoming.
I start procrastinating – because what’s the point - nobody wants to hear what I have to say, look at all the friends who I have let walk away. Look at all the agreements I’ve dropped and how I’ve betrayed myself.
Sitting in the muck I remember that here is where seeds are planted. Here is where I can transmute the darkness into light. Here’s where I’m prepared - I have fallen so many times. This is not me back at the beginning as I believed, it’s me getting ready to level up. Reminding myself just how far I’ve actually come.
That I am no longer who I used to be, I’m more equipped for the next leg of this journey.
You see every day I’m learning to let go, to clear and uncreate that which is no longer me. Some call it shedding skins or peeling back the layers, but for me, it’s expanding - shining brighter - taking up more space. It’s putting myself in the center and expanding myself out into the Atomic Carebear I am becoming.
(Yep, I said what I said Atomic Carebear – there's a T-shirt coming)
The darkness is where I can see how much more light I can hold. In the muck is where I start my next iteration, where I get to let go of more of my resistance.
I’m not meant to carry the stories I’ve told myself forward - it's time to let them all go. New ones will rise up into my awareness so that I can see them, acknowledge and accept them. Then lovingly forgive them.
The only things you carry with you are the tools you’ve collected, the experience, and the skills you’ve acquired. The past battles you’ve won and bad guys you’ve defeated can’t follow you. They stay on their level - they’re static and false.
I’m not sure how this went from the mud to a game but here we are and I’m not being called to change it.
Each new spring you plant a new garden carrying with you the seeds from the previous year. Seeds you collected from the plants that survived to bear fruits you have tasted. Each year you are not truly starting from scratch - you carry your knowledge and the skills you collected through the process that’s passed. Bringing the promise of a bigger and better harvest than last.
So, when I found myself sitting in the muck this time I made a different choice. I chose to love myself anyway (any-way) and reminded myself of the tools I have. I started planting more seeds with the knowledge that I’m ready to level up. Knowing that I have everything I need and that there are others who need to hear my voice, others I am meant to guide.
You see I’m not here to fix or heal other people, only to stand as an example of what’s possible when you don’t give up on yourself when you keep standing back up. I am here to share what’s helped me and where I am going.
Learning to trust and have faith in ourselves means that we will be tested simply to ensure that we are ready, that we are committed to this process. The process of planting seeds of self-growth and watching them transform into the fruits you can harvest.
If you are hearing what I’m saying then this message is for you, this is your invitation to join my 7 Week Intention Intensive. www.creatingjuniper.com please follow the link to my home page and get ready to plant some seeds with me.
We start on March 21st.